Do you really want it?
The first question everyone must ask themselves is, “Do I really want to beat my addiction?”. I have been involved in recovery groups for over three years now and the number one factor that predicts success the best, is a real desire to battle the addiction. Some people come because their wife/husband made them or their jobs were on the line if they didn’t get it under control. Others come because they are tired of feeling guilt over their actions. All these are great motivational factors but unfortunately they all eventually fail to motivate. A wife/husband stops being upset with you (or you become upset with them), a job is lost, no consequences are ever given, and a person learns to live with the guilt or ignore it. No matter what your motivation is it will eventually weaken, if its not based on your desire to get better for yourself.
I am a Christian and I believe that my addiction is wrong for me. My beliefs are based on the morals, standards and examples covered within the bible. My fight for sexual sobriety (not masturbating or viewing porn) was a miserable failure for 18 years, because I was always trying to stop the guilt that came after acting out. I never really wanted to stop acting out, I just didn’t want to feel bad afterward. It wasn’t until I actually desired to be pro active that I started to see success. For me, the biblical morals and standards were always just words I spoke, but in reality I didn’t accept. When I accepted them and made them my own, that’s when I started to hate my addiction instead of hating the pain that resulted from it.
It doesn’t matter if you are a Christian, Buddhist, Islamic or Atheist. What matters is that you want to change because you are done being the person that lets pornography and sexual addiction rule your life. A sure sign of this real desire is the willingness to do whatever it takes to defeat your addiction. If need be, will you get rid of your TV? Will you stop driving by the adult book stores (even if it adds 10 min to your daily drive)? Will you tell your spouse the truth? Will you go to an addictions group once a week? Twice a week or more? I have seen addicts go to extreme lengths just to get a fix. From surfing the net for hours just to see a naked picture, to planning a month in advance how they were going to act out. So there is no excuse about not having the ability to put a recovery plan in action. Addicts are masters at planing and are dogged in their pursuit of their objectives. Once you decide your objective is sobriety and not pain avoidance, it can be achieved.
So the first question I ask everyone who comes to a group is “Do you Really want it?”… Do you?