The Battlefield Changes
It’s been a while since I have posted and I apologize, going back to school has been kicking my butt. Coming up on five years of sobriety has taught me even more about what it takes to remain sober. The beginning of the battle for purity usually consists of targeting those behaviors we want to stop and the good ones we want to start. However, one of the things every person should understand when starting their fight for purity is that it will look like an uphill battle at first, but as time goes on the battlefield changes.
This is an important little saying that has so much to tell. First, your battle for purity will not be over anytime soon. The battlefield will change, but you will always be fighting it. Many people ask “how long before I’m fixed” or “When will I be able to stop going to groups”. To say that someone can’t be permanently changed in a day would be false, but I haven’t met anyone who had an instant or quick healing yet. I do believe God can take things out of our life but have found, at least in my life, that the battle for purity is more often than not used to helped us become a better person. For me, the battle has helped me to become stronger in many areas of my life. Some of the areas would have never been addressed had I not been forced to stand and fight.
The second part of that saying should be an encouragement. It explains that the battle will not always be as hard as it was in the beginning. When I first started, all I could do was use behavioral techniques (the rubber band technique, calling a sponsor, going to groups, etc…) in an attempt to stop acting out. Those techniques worked but as time went on emotions that I usually avoided started to come to the surface. They could not be pushed aside anymore and I had to learn how to deal with them. Because I had starved myself of my normal coping mechanism (masturbation) the battle then became how to deal with these emotions. New coping skills such as talking about my feelings with friends and in my groups helped me to understand them better. Seeking shelter in my relationship with God and in prayer helped me to endure when the pain of them seemed overwhelming. Once I stopped running from them, I found that my emotions were not as hard to feel as I once believed. Emotions like rejection once felt like the hand of death; but now it is only a passing cold chill. Feeling not good enough used to keep me isolated and alone; but now it stirs me to step out and appreciate myself. Feelings of being a failure kept me from trying; now they remind me that I was brave enough to have tried.
If I have learned one thing in my battle for purity it is this. The battle was always there, what changed was that I begin to fight instead of hiding in a fantasy land of porn and masturbation. As I grew stronger I found new ways of fighting and even new enemies that had to be faced. I have had my share of injuries and will no doubt continue to stumble and fall. My fight has become a training ground that gives me strength to never give up, never stay down, and the will to continue to push forward to newer battlegrounds.